ß0/\/z0rs (verdammtmadchen) wrote in schizosrus,

Intro post...

I'm 20 years old and I have schizophrenia on both sides of my family. Lately (in the past year or two) I have had an undying fear of becoming schizophrenic. My mother works in a mental hospital she deals with these people everyday, so I hear many horrifying stories. My uncle set himself on fire, strangled his mother and stabbed a psychiatrist (at the same clinic where I go to for therapy), an aunt on the other side of my family played Russian roulette with her children. I believe my fear to be a rational one. I certainly have a long history of mental illness. I've had depression on and off since I was 5 years old. When I was twelve I went a year without speaking to anyone followed by years of cutting and overdosing on pills just to make myself sick. Throughout highschool, these habits got worse and I went a year or two without physical contact because it just made me feel insecure. I've since stopped harming myself completely (a sharp turn away from my daily and sometimes hourly self-inflicting behavior). I have more recently been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, which I find peculiar because it is not in my family anywhere. I am on Seroquel and Celexa, which together I believe are the first medications to really have any positive effect on me. I've recently gone through psychological testing. The first test, the WAIS test, I was told showed that I was extremely intelligent. (This was right after I took the test last week, I don't have the detailed results just yet). Just last night I went through the infamous inkblot test, where I had usually seen lots of bats, butterflies and clowns. However, last night the woman testing me commented saying that my answers where like those of a psychotic. She was baffled by this because though I came off as very together and intelligent, my thought process was obviously abstract.
I don't hear voices, or see things that are not there. Whether or not I see things differently than others would be impossible to prove. People have often asked me "what is it like being you?" They know there is something different about me, yet they believe that I am a very level-headed individual. I am most definitely withdrawn and I don't find much in common with myself and others. I've never in my life been in a relationship, and I'm not sure if this is a sign of some social issue or just a really good decision. (you can laugh here) Instead I fill my life with animals, because they are dependable, they cannot lie, and their love is unconditional as long as you keep feeding them.

To sum things up, I'm joining this community to hear about other's experiences and maybe get feedback. How does one know if they are not right [mentally]? I really do feel very afraid if my thought process changes at all, or if I suddenly see something in a way I never saw it before. Either I have to conquer this fear, or if there is something wrong with me, I have to identify it and take the necessary steps to control it.

Thank you for listening.
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